To Go Or Not To Go

On Friday I was officially offered a position as an "Aftercare Intern" with International Justice Mission for a year. It's ironic, because exactly 24 hours previous to that offer, I had sent out an email telling some people that I wouldn't be going after all. I had grown frustrating with the waiting, I hadn't had any definite communication for weeks, and the planner in me knew I needed to start looking at other options.

It went against every grain of my will for me to accept that I may not be able to go. I wrestled with what looked like the inevitable. Finally, after weeks of throwing a ridiculous temper tantrum I came to the conclusion that God can use me to work with traumatized and hurting people in any capacity. If He was closing doors (seemingly slamming them in my face) then I could trust that there was something/somewhere else that I needed to be.

The Philippines had become an idol for me. Matt Chandler (my fav preacher) defines an idol as something that is non-negotiable in our prayers, whether it's a good or bad thing. Up until this moment, my life had worked out pretty much exactly as I had planned. Working with IJM, and going back to Cebu, was the next thing on my schedule. When it seemed like it wasn't going to happen, I was really upset. But I had to surrender it. Because, I was growing bitter and living in discontentment. And I know from experience, I can't survive on discontentment.

And then the position was formally offered to me. Even though the position itself has not become official yet. I wrote Andrey (the director in Cebu), asking for an explanation while I prayed about the decision, and he said that this is the first time that IJM has ever tried to work with a local shelter in this capacity. Because of that they have been drafting and redrafting contracts for months, contracts that need to be approved by multiple organizations and people. Andrey said even if it falls through with the particular shelter that they are negotiating with now, I will be able to work with other shelters in the area in the same capacity.

A lesson in surrender? Maybe. A lesson in trust? Definitely. A need for more faith in my life?Absolutely.

The biggest concern at this point: Training is in six weeks. Although, they've mentioned I could wait an extra month or so before I deploy, that still only gives me, at the VERY most, 3 months to raise a years salary. We are in the middle of an economic crisis, and funds are tight for just about everyone I know. I don't want to be that person who makes people feel obligated to support me. I am confident that if the Lord really wants me there, the money will come in. And if it doesn't, well, there are other places and people I can work with here.

Please help me pray.