Baby Steps, Giant Leaps.

Hands down, the best part of my job: watching the girls grow and mature, gaining confidence in themselves and hope for their future. These changes come slowly, baby steps and small progress, but that's how lasting change is. The changes that last come in small slow steps and should be celebrated! Here are a few moment from this past month that I've observed in our girls that have made me smile:

1. Audrey* who was rescued when she was 13 years old, dropped out of school in grade 3 because of bullying. Here is what Audrey recently told our social worker: "If I ever get bullied or teased again, I will tell them that I have God in my life and I know him. I know that they are doing that because they have no God and they don't have enough faith in him. I am no longer the girl that they have known who is illiterate that they can easily tease or bully. I am a new girl, studying in a private school, and God is finding ways for me because of MRH's help."

2. Recently Jessica* went home on a family visit. Her family environment is very chaotic. Abuse, drugs and poverty are the terms that apply but cannot really describe the amount of deprivation that occurred. Jessica went to visit her family, and talked for a minute about her education and opportunities here at MRH. However, she spent the majority of the conversation encouraging her sister to believe in God because "Whatever her problems are, God can bear it." and "With God, everything is possible." Her family tried to persuade Jessica to drop her court case and move on with her life, but Jessica told them she will not. She will fight for justice against those who wronged her. She later said she didn't want to waste time talking about the things she was going to accomplish, she was just determined to work hard and excited for the day when she could show her family her diploma and prove to them that anything is possible.

3. Jasmine* when asked about the difference in her learning before and now said "Before I didn't know how to write and I hated it. Now, I know how to do Math and they are teaching me how to answer and read. Even if I get a low score, I'm still happy because I already learned how to read and write."

Baby steps, baby steps. So many baby steps. But when you put them all together, they become leaps and bounds.


*Names changed due to security

Shades of Grey

When I was in college I asked my friend Joshua what his favorite color was. "Grey," he said. "What? You can't say grey! Grey isn't even a color--it's a non-color." "I don't care, I like it."

At the time my favorite color to look at was aqua and my favorite color to wear was fuchsia.  I just could not wrap my head around someone loving a color, that in all actuality seemed like a void to fill with something brighter, not an answer in itself. Who on earth could love the color grey, I thought.

I guess, at the time, I had a similar relationship to other things that did not produce radiance. Loss, grief, pain, suffering.  You lost someone you love? There must be a reason for it, a deeper meaning that we just can't see. Your heart is broken? Don't worry, you'll have an even better story to tell when the "right" person comes along. You cut off your toe? I'm very sorry. Excuse me while I cover the wound with a neon green band-aid as you contract gangrene and I pretend like it's healed and worth shouting praises about.

And I stood, confused at the chaos around me when people accepted my words and smiles and affirmation to my face and then went home, still suffering, still confused. I couldn't understand why the pinks and greens and yellows I'd used to cover over my grey and brown areas weren't bright enough or strong enough for other people. I thought: what is so different about me, so strange about me, that I can find colors in the dark? Truth be told, I put myself on a pedestal. Convinced of my ultra-Christianity in a world full of people who just couldn't see well enough to enjoy the shine.

But as time went on, and I found myself forging new paths and moving on to uncharted territory. Slowly, over time, the colors seemed to wash away quicker than they had before, and for awhile I fought hand in fist to paint those colors on, brighter, brighter, ever brighter.

But the places were new and the people were new, and the hardships were new and lonely and they didn't know me and my neon color patches. And they didn't have any new colors to give me, and the old ones just kept washing away. And so I started to experiment with less color. What would happen? Would I survive? Less and less and less until I looked down, and had to admit to myself (but only when I was alone), that in fact the hurt was deep and dark and black, with occasional shades of grey.  No wonder the colors couldn't cover it anymore. What color can cover black? And I was angry. Maybe I didn't have any answers after all. Was it ok that I didn't have any answers?

So I started a journey. I sought out others who had been through hard things. I sought out persons and stories and struggles of the worst kind. Abuses and injustice and  atrocities abounded as soon as I started looking. I really didn't have to look far at all. And some of those hard things were so incomprehensible that no color could cover over the vastness of their suffering. And some of them never really tried. And this I couldn't understand. This changed everything. Where was the meaning? Where were the answers? Where was the thing worth striving for?

And is it possible to believe in joy and hope in the midst of crushing all-consuming suffering? Suffering that has no answers except time. Time and prayer and tears and pain and time. Is it possible to believe in peace when your soul has been trampled on, by absolutely no fault of your own? Is it possible to repair the mangled and ripped apart pieces that were buried when they became unrecognizable? And what color could possibly fit over them? What answer is there, in the midst of all those questions?

I don't have the answers.

I believe that God heals, piece by piece, bit by bloody bit. But sometimes that healing doesn't look at all radiant, sometimes it just looks peaceful for a minute, for a split second, before it goes back to being painful. Don't blink, it's there.

Every few years, I look back on my life and think about how naive and narrow minded I was a few years ago. Because now, irony of ironies, my favorite colors are brown and grey. Instead of seeing an emptiness that should be filled with something radiant and shocking, when I look at brown tones and grey tones now I see a non-assuming warmth that is just content with being warm. Fluidly whole and consistently solid. Rather than boring, it looks peaceful. Content. Stunning to no one, but enough, in and of itself, to give light and life.

The Fight

Photo Credit: Amy Collins

The definition of sex trafficking is when an individual is coerced, forced, or deceived into engaging in sexual acts for payment. 

People sometimes ask me, in a curious and slightly judgmental way, "Didn't they try to get out?" Or "Why did they stay there?" or "Why didn't they fight harder to get away?"

Some of girls who are trafficked have been drugged and beaten, starved and maliciously raped until they have no fight left in them. 

For other girls, it takes less than that to keep them enslaved. 

Photo Credit: Amy Collins

We recently took in a 13 year old girl, Lynn*, who had been molested and raped by her father repeatedly since she was 9 years old. He would lock her in the house and beat her and her mother regularly. He threatened to kill the entire family if she told anyone. He used cocaine daily, always carried a knife and was very violent, so she had no reason to doubt his threats. When she couldn't take it anymore and told her mother, her mother asked her to keep it quiet so that they wouldn't be looked down on by their neighbors. Her father has another wife, and Lynn's mother is actually his mistress so he is not always staying with Lynn's mother, but when he does, Lynn would prefer to sleep outside than to be near him. To make matters worse, everyone in the community already knows about the abuse, but no one has ever tried to help Lynn, or the family. 

When a friend and neighbor coerced Lynn, at the age of 12, into taking a job at a restaurant, she readily accepted, longing for a way to escape. She's never attended school so any opportunity seemed like a good one. She soon learned that the job was more than just being a waitress, but she was told she would not eat unless she engaged in services, and having known no other life, and no other worth, she eventually gave in. 

Lynn was rescued by law enforcement and her neighbor and trafficker, as well as the men using her were all arrested. She was brought to My Refuge House and almost immediately felt safe. She was given clothes and health care and a chance to go to school. But most importantly, she was given the opportunity to fight, not only against her traffickers, but against her father who abused her for so long. 

And with the support of our staff, she is absolutely determined to see justice done. 

*Name changed for protection

want to know more? www.myrefugehouse.com

Christmas Gifts

In values class the other day, the girls were asked to write down "My Greatest Gift for Myself this Christmas." I never fail to be amazed at the things they write, and as a gift to you, I hope you will enjoy reading a few of the gifts our girls are most thankful for.

"I learned how to spell, and I'm so thankful to the Lord, because if I was not here at MRH, I would not have learned how to spell words or been able to attend the classes here at MRH; those are the greatest gifts I've received this Christmas."

"My greatest gift for myself is that I've learned how to be careful with the way I talk to others and because of that I don't have any enemies anymore. Also, I've been able to know God and I really feel like I'm following him and I can carry my problems now."

"I don't feel sad anymore being away from my family or away from my home, and I'm thankful that I was brought here to MRH because we learned good manners and also how to take care of ourselves. I'm also thankful to God for saving me and I'm happy because I learned here for the first time how to open a Bible."

"The greatest gift that came to me is that I was already able to talk about everything I've been hiding, and God gave me strength to talk about everything I've done and all my experiences, and I don't feel shame in talking about it even though it's very dirty and even though my past was so very ugly. And I'm so happy that the person I told about my past doesn't feel dirty towards me and didn't change the way that they treated me. That's the greatest gift that's been given to me." 


"My attitude has changed, and I'm not like I was before, and I'm so proud of myself because I learned how to change my attitude."

"Every single day I get to know God while I'm at MRH, before in my house, I say thank you to God every day, but I'm thankful to be here because I like hearing and listening to God's words and I wasn't able to do that before."

"My greatest gift this Christmas is to be part of MRH and I'm so happy here because I've changed and I know how to handle my problems and my trials now. I'm so happy because I have a true family now. I know that MRH will protect me and they will not let me go to the bad person. If I go home and I'm with my true family, I know they will not protect me. That's why I'm so thankful to be part of MRH. This is my greatest gift to myself this Christmas: to be happy."

"I'm happy for myself and my child because of the many gifts we've been given like clothes."

From us to you, THANK YOU, for allowing us to give such good gifts to our girls.

www.myrefugehouse.com

Bravery

I watched a girl, one of the bravest girls I've ever met, stand up in a court room full of people, point her finger at her trafficker with a loud, unwavering voice and say "Him." 

She had been asked to point out her perpetrators. A husband and wife couple who had taken advantage of her, and countless others before her. And because she has turned 18 between the date she was rescued and her court date, she was standing in a room full of on-lookers, with the opposing lawyer standing at the back of her, calling out questions and raising objections every few minutes. 

Local court room office

Court scenes are far from perfect anywhere, but in the Philippines they often seem even less so. Rooms full of cases lined up and presented one after another. Piles and piles of files and papers laying everywhere. Schedules delayed by late judges, witness or even defendants who don't show up or lawyers who just haven't had time to talk to their defendant. Translators who question the girl and the validity of their own translation, and judges whose plates are so full that they just don't have sufficient time to hear every case, and often hurry the witnesses along in an effort to finish. 

Cebu Capitol Building

But my heart soared with pride when this girl, who we've had the privilege to get to know and shelter from the threats of her notorious trafficker, pointed her finger and held her head high. My heart soared when she told us, a few days previous, how determined she was to fight the case, because she didn't want anyone else to have to go through what she had been through. She didn't want anyone else to experience the fear and anxiety, the abuse that she had lived through, first as a victim of trafficking, and then as one who had to seek safety in a witness protection program because of the on-going threats she recieved. My heart soared with thanksgiving for the bravery of this girl, and the opportunity to help her fight. 

Thank you to everyone who supports us, for giving her the opportunity to fight. 

Please continue to pray for her and the the others in our care who are fighting cases and standing up against those who have wronged them. 

Finally Home

A few weeks ago, we had the privilege of reuniting one of our girls with her family.

Supported by friends who understand what she's been through.

The hope for all of our girls, is that they will be able to eventually be reunited with supportive family.  As you can imagine, this is not always the case. When the girls have been victims of trafficking, there are times when family members have been the ones to encourage them or pressure them into vulnerable situations. There are times when family members are abusive or have too many mouths to feed and aren’t able to adequately support the girls. And some of our girls come from families who have sexually abused or raped them, and their homes are no longer safe places to return.

But a few weeks ago, one of our girls did get to go home.

Jane, letting go of her past.

Jane* was raped by her uncle a few years ago. She bravely decided to fight a court case against him, and in doing so, turned many of her family members against her. Most of her family urged her to drop the case, in fear that her uncle would stop providing financial support, or worse, make good on his threats to hurt her and anyone who attempted to help her.

Jane was living with her uncle for a few years, and he was sponsoring her education. Jane’s father lived nearby but was addicted to drugs and couldn’t hold down a stable job. Because of that he couldn’t afford to put her through school. Jane’s mother and father have been separated since she was a baby, and Jane had stayed with her father, while her mother had moved to Manila. Jane had not seen her mother since she was a toddler.

At the age of 16, Jane was still in 6^th grade because of the financial hardships of her family. It was that year that her uncle raped her. She became withdrawn and quiet in class, and her teacher asked her what was wrong. She confessed what had happened to her teacher, and her life began to take a turn for the worse. Her father turned against her, her siblings turned against her, everyone was angry at her for “making trouble.” She was referred to a government shelter for her protection.

Jane, surrounded by the other girls praying for her. 

When she was at the government shelter, her uncle and his supporters would drive by and shout threats at her, trying to scare her and demanding that she stop the case. They had the case down-graded by the court to a lesser charge and even reconstructed their house so that the evidence that Jane brought to the trial would be irrelevant. The government shelter has a policy that all girls must be kicked out at age 18, so Jane’s only supportive sister took her in at that time. But they were all fearful of her uncle, because he continued to threaten them. In desperation, Jane went back to the shelter, but they could not take her in. So they called us.

A few weeks after Jane was admitted her, she experienced severe stomach pain. She was taken to the hospital and immediately rushed into surgery for appendicitis! We are so thankful to have been able to provide that care for her. Her state social worker repeatedly told us how thankful she was that Jane was in our care, because most likely the government shelter would not have been able to pay for a surgery of that nature.

Singing the praise songs Jane picked out for her "funeral."

While Jane was in our care, she was able to work on some goals that she developed for herself. Her goals were to find ways to respond to her anger less aggressively, to decrease her negative thoughts about herself, and to improve her leadership skills. When we asked her how she would rate herself on those goals, she gave herself scores of 10/10, 9/10, and 10/10! She said that the support and care of the staff, and the skills that were taught here at MRH were very helpful to her, and because of them she was able to learn and grow in ways that she hadn’t been able to do at the other center.

Jane continued to suffer from minor medical complications in the months following her appendectomy. She also wrestled with the very big question of what to do about her case. No girl should ever be forced to make a decision like that, but she was the only one who could make it. Should she continue to fight a case, subjecting herself to the threats and ridicules that came with it, when the charges were now so minimal that any sentence granted would seem a slap in the face? Or should she continue to fight, no matter the cost?

Jane fought for a very long time.  For over two years she fought and saw the trial go from bad to worse. In the end, she decided that she wanted to leave it all behind, the trial, her father’s side of the family, Cebu, everything. She wanted to start over and look forward again to a hopeful future. Thankfully, when we contacted her mother, she wanted the same thing for Jane.

Jane, being added in her "funeral" by MRH's social worker.

On her last day at our house, we asked her if she wanted to have a funeral for her past life. She agreed wholeheartedly. She wrote down all the things that had plagued her and hurt her and confused her in the past years, took all of her journals and everything that reminded her of her past life, and burned them and buried the ashes in our yard. You can see the pictures below of this ceremony. The other girls and staff are in the background, singing a few praise songs that she requested for the occasion.

When Jane was taken home, her mother and half siblings were extremely supportive and even said if Jane wanted to keep fighting, they would find a way for her to get to the trial. They are also planning to send her back to school at the beginning of the new school year. Life is finally beginning to look hopeful again for Jane, and she’s so thankful to be reunited with a supportive and safe family.  Her past has been left at our home, safely buried away, and her new life has only just begun. 

Letting go, once and for all. 

(The Beginning of) Allison's story

Survivors of sexual exploitation are often, understandably, very critical of their appearance. Many of them have been forced to survive in a culture that criticizes every part of their appearance, always demanding them to look better or to change in some way so they will be more "appealing." On top of that, many of these young girls were told similar lies of not being good enough, or pretty enough by their loved ones, and so when the pimps speak those words, they have no choice but to believe they are speaking truth.

One of the girls living in our home, Allison*, shares this story. Allison is the youngest of five children, and when her mother learned she was pregnant with Allison, she tried to abort her (most likely using drugs). Allison grew up in a broken family, and spent most of her growing up years with her father, who was extremely abusive and neglectful. He was an alcoholic and a drug addict and eventually died of a failed liver. Allison's mother has a job as a maid and earns only 30$ per month to care for her children, and it's never enough to meet their needs.

At the age of 14, Allison's father died and she moved back with her mother. Although Allison was already a couple of years behind in her school advancement, her mother asked her to drop out of school because she couldn't pay for her in addition to her nieces and nephews, who were already enrolled.Allison is a leader with a vibrant personality and a beautiful smile, and soon sought the love that she needed from boys. She didn't get along with girls and her mother and sisters thought she was being sexually permiscious and would call her a bad names and accuse her of being a "slut" and a prostitute. She would deny the accusations, but no matter what she said they never believed her.

At the age of 15, Allison met a girl who easily coerced her to engage in sexual services. She said that since her family already thought she was a prostitute, she might as well be one. She was given only 10$ per customer in exchange for those services. Allison was even further shunned from her family who told her she was worthless and shameful when they found out. Obviously, this criticism was not what she needed to escape.

Allison is now 16, but because of her age and her extreme vulnerability, this case is considered a trafficking case. Under Philippine law, she is considered a minor and because of her young vulnerability, thankfully, there are consequences for taking advantage of her. The "bar" where she worked was raided by police in July 2011 and she was brought to My Refuge House shortly after.

When Allison arrived she was angry and often contemplating running away, but she didn't want to go back home. She had given up on going to school and was convinced that being a prostitute was all she could ever do. She would easily get upset at someone, even if she just thought they were talking about her or making fun of her. She was so self conscious of her appearance that every comment about looks, whether pointed at her or not, would make her angry, because she would assume it was about her.

In just the few short months since Allison arrived, with the encouragement of our trained staff, she has grown in remarkable ways. She has begun to find things about herself, even her appearance, that she appreciates. She has become a leader in her "family" and the smile on her face has become almost instant and radiant. She rarely gets upset now, and when she does, she usually finds someone to talk to instead of shouting or punching the cement walls like she used to. Almost every day, one of the staff comments about how much she has grown and improved. She's not the same girl she was a few months ago.

MRH has been able to provide Allison the education she was forced to give up and she is wholeheartedly participating in her studies. She has also decided to pursue culinary arts because she loves to cook.  Allison suffered from many medical complications due to the work that she engaged in, and MRH was able to give her the care she needed for that. Most importantly though, MRH has given her a safe, loving home, where she feels supported and cared for, for the first time.



*name changed to protect participant

My Papa

Yesterday, I showed this picture of myself with my grandparents to the girls.

The 15 month old baby, the daughter of one of the girls, pointed at the my grandfather and said "Papa!"

Yes, I think he just might be yours too, sweet girl.

Controlling Goats

My office has a great view of the neighbor's thatch-roofed house on the hill next to ours. Today, I watched out my window as a boy, probably around 8 years old, tried desperately to pull a very stubborn goat up the hill to his house. He tugged, and pulled and shouted for a number of minutes. He was about halfway up  the hill and in desperation, he threw the goat's rope on the ground and started running down the other side of the hill. As soon as he started running, the goat followed him. In fact the goat was so eager to keep up, that he actually overtook the boy!

I laughed a little, at this view out my window. But it reminded me so much of what it's like to work with people. We can be quite stubborn, when others are telling us what to do. Even if that thing they are encouraging us to do is good and better than what we are currently doing, sometimes we attack it with surprising amounts of resistance anyway. But then, if we can glimpse someone excelling and enjoying their way, we will do all we can to attain that thing... especially if no one is pushing or pulling us along.

Sculpture of a girl attempting to pull a goat

I often tell our staff that working with people is not math. There is no one right answer all the time. Even for the same girl. Sometimes one approach works, sometimes that same approach will make the situation worse. We never really know. But we do know, that when we communicate to a person that change and growth are in their control, and only their control, and step back to watch and see how they do it (encouraging and prompting along the way), well, then it's often amazing to see what transpires. The trick is, teaching someone, empowering someone, to find hope, to believe that the future is better and bright and theirs for the taking.

When someone believes that, really believes that they have hope; that's when it becomes impossible to keep up.

Current favorite game: The Slipper Game...

Think of kickball using flip-flops (slippers) instead of a ball. 

Safety

I love hearing the laughter of the girls throughout the day.  Most of my day can be rather boring to be honest. Answering email and making reports and coordinating with partners and staff and all aspects of the program to ensure that we give the best care possible are what I spend the bulk of my time on. But as the girls play games inside and outside, or just enjoy each others company, the laughter that erupts is incredible and gives me great fuel to continue my (boring) tasks.

The other thing that's incredible is watching the girls become accustomed to feeling safe. Safety is a huge part of what we aim to accomplish. Physical Safety is necessary because many of the girls have perpetrators who have threatened them and their families. But even more important at times is Emotional Safety. A few weeks ago, one of the girls cried as she told our staff that she had never been treated without shame or guilt about her past until now. In fact, this was the first time anyone had ever told her it was ok to give up that shame that she had been carrying.  Staff who are caring and comforting (and also firm when they need to be!) are an essential part of providing emotional safety, and I'm so thankful for the staff we have who are doing just that.

The other day the girls did an activity in which they were asked to draw a safe place. The meaning of physical safety and emotional safety was explained to them in order to emphasize the importance of working together and accepting each other (in a house full of teenage girls, emotions sometimes run high!). When they were asked to draw a picture of a safe place... every girl at the table drew a picture of our house.

Last week, we received 6 more girls. That means that currently, we have 13 girls living in our home. Our house is full! Actually, it's more than full, because we had initially set up to take in only 12. I'm still amazed that we opened up our new home less than four months ago and already it's full beyond it's intended capacity. The need is great, and we couldn't bear to separate the last girl out of this group of 6 who came together. All six are between the ages of 14 and 16 and we are so thankful to have the privilege of providing a safe place for each one of them to grow and heal.